"When you scared and you go in the ocean, the ocean take you."

The hustle bustle of the city was getting to me. Only so many times can you cross the Bay Bridge without losing your sanity and overall faith in humanity. Tributaries of cars 8 lanes deep dump into the stream of toll booths which they so cleverly and ironically call “Fast Track.” The concrete jungle of San Franscisco creates an illusion of paradise with its fancy cars, expensive victorian homes, and lucrative job opportunities. The problem with this illusion is it’s driven by material items that have no real importance and contribute little to our mental well being. I was ready for an escape. 

I stepped off the plane in Liberia, Costa Rica, sweat immediately gathered in large drops on my forehead and dripped down my face. No AC. Our redeye flight from SFO should have consisted of sleeping, but movie watching, trivia gaming, and chess playing took over our six hour flight. My eyelids felt like fine sandpaper scraping against the dry surface of my eyes from lack of sleep. Two hour ride to Nosara, ‘I’ll sleep on the way.’ Little did I know, the bumpy, dusty, dirt roads with potholes that could be defined as craters would interrupt the lucid dream state that I couldn't seem to escape.

Spraying into the sunset

The town of Nosara was refreshing to say the least. Humble, brightly painted abodes lined the dirt roads where merchants sold handmade jewelry, pots, and clothing. Local farmers sat in the back of their trucks with their pride and livelihood, their fresh picked produce. My favorite was the limes, exploding with juices the moment the knife sliced them, containing an intense saffron colored pulp. Fishermen joined the merchants and farmers with their fresh catch of the day including tuna, red snapper, and shrimp. The locals, known as Ticos, were extremely friendly and welcoming, always happy to practice their english with you. Quite the contrast from busy city life in San Franscisco, where it seems many people are too busy working and driving and stressing to really enjoy what they are working for. 

Hermit crab friends

Something about the quaintness and simplicity of this town enlightened me. I felt like I had, in a sense, stepped back in time and I felt relieved to be disconnected somewhat from reality. There were no fancy cars, mostly motorcycles, ATVs, tuk-tuks, golf carts, small economy cars and the occasional 4 wheeling SUV. No fancy supermarkets, only small huts where local farmers could sell their produce to make a living. No big buildings or skyrises; the city has a ban so that large buildings will never exist. No light pollution. We enjoyed vivid, colorful sunsets each evening and saw every single star in the sky each night. No fancy restaurants. In fact, the produce was so good we cooked most meals at home and even learned some new Costa Rican recipes from our new friend, Jose. No fancy amenities. I would enter a restroom with a mud floor, no seat on the toilet, sand and dirt covering the porcelain bowl, no toilet paper, soap diluted so many times over that it likely had no cleaning capabilities remaining, yet I would feel absolutely no anxiety towards the cleanliness. As a nurse, typically the second I step into a public restroom, airport or hospital, I immediately feel like my hands are contaminated and I need to wash them. Even with a layer of dust, sand, saltwater and sweat masking my skin, knotted hair, and lack of water for washing (Nosara is in a drought so water was unavailable for about 12 hours each day), I felt clean. Clean in the sense that I was liberated from the imaginary confines that cause me to feel so trapped when I am in a big city. I felt free.

Brooks kookslamming with the birds

The first couple days of surf were intimidating to the beginner kook that I am. Thinking I could go out to the back and attempt to catch some waves on my first day was absurd. Paddle hard. Turn turtle (meaning to turn on your back with your board facing the sky in hopes that the wave goes over you). Shoot! That was a powerful one. Get washed back. Turn back to belly, paddle harder. Oh crap, not gonna make it past this one, gonna crash on me. No time to turn. Big breath. Brace yourself. Tumble. Cover head. Find footing. Water so far up my nose it burns into my brain and into my ear canal. Which way is up? Try to surface. Running out of breath. Need footing. Where is the freaking surface? And another tumble, pulled further to the ocean floor. I might die. This is it. Don't breath in yet, surface will come, it has to! Find footing, find light, anything! Finally, I feel the fine sand between my toes and explode upward like a firecracker, surfacing the crashing wave with the biggest breath I can muster. No way am I doing that again, no freaking way! Fear clouded my mind and judgement with each subsequent wave that day. I didn’t  catch a wave nor stand up on my board at all, just continued to get annihilated by each crashing, forceful wave that came at me. After spending an evening with our new amigo and local surf instructor, Jose Lopez, I learned the most important lesson of the trip: 

“When you scared and you go in the ocean, the ocean take you.” 

I wondered if there was a way to reduce my fear but first I had to figure out why I was fearful. Another tip from an experienced surfer girl, “Don’t be scared! The ocean cannot hurt you.” Okay, let’s think about why fear works. 

“Fear has two rules:

#1 The very fact that you fear something is solid evidence that it is not happening.

Fear summons powerful predictive resources that tell us what might come next. It is that which might come next that we fear - what might happen, not what is happening now. 

Panic, the great enemy of survival, can be perceived as an unmanageable kaleidoscope of fears. It can be reduced through embracing the second rule:

#2 What you fear is rarely what you think you fear - it is what you LINK to fear.

When it is real fear, it will either be in the presence of danger, or it will link to pain or death.”  - Gavin De Becker, The Gift of Fear

Although I thought I was going to die and/or be severely hurt, I was not in true danger of either of these things with the small stature of these waves, even though they appeared taller than the Eiffel Tower to me. Once I realized that I was not putting myself in a dangerous situation and that my fear was unwarranted, each day of surfing got better and better. 

Ziggy, beach pup

“Remember fear says something might happen. If it does happen, we stop fearing it and start to respond to it, manage it, surrender to it, or we start to fear the next outcome we predict might be coming.” - Gavin De Becker

Picking up tips from Spencer, Brooks, and Jose, and watching tutorials with Johnny Magic and the gang was super helpful to my success. And by success I mean NOT getting pummeled by EVERY single wave and not being scared to go out and try my best. By the end of the trip, I felt my fear had vanished and I could confidently at least attempt to surf without thinking death would ensue, which is quite a relief!

Flying back into San Francisco, I had a slight bit of anxiety per the usual. Looking down at the city from the plane on that clear, Superbowl Sunday with a new experience under my belt and a fresh set of eyes, I realized how lucky I was. I am surrounded by loving friends, old and new, distance being no factor to our relationships, who share the same spirited passion of traveling and crave new experiences just like me. I have the ability to live in a cultured, progressive city full of exceptionally intelligent and talented people, even if it is for only three months at at time before my need to travel embraces me and carries me onto my next adventure. I have a man in my life who I admire, respect, love and absolutely adore, who continues to inspire me and make me a better person in all aspects of my life. I have a close and loving connection with all my family regardless of the distance that separates us. I have the ability to travel and will continue to seek new experiences while my situation in life allows. And I am happy. And that is all that really matters. 

Spencer heading out for another spankin'

The infamous Jose Lopez

Nosara Crew!

7in rimz brah!

Spencer crusin at Playa Ostional