Loosing Ground

Why did it take an experience of death to realize how good it is to live? 

"I" didn't care if "I" came back.

Breathlessness beyond belief. 

"I" wasn't being anymore... 

"I" just was.

Letting go… 

Beyond release. 

Beyond existence.  

Thoughts trying to hold "me" here, grasping at anything "I" could. 

"I" was being stripped of the masks, stripped of the stories, stripped of my body. 

Let it go. Release. Allow. 

The is the work, letting it go. 

Unwinding the knots. 

Expanding the contractions. 

When the witness finally dropped out, it was unbelievable bliss, every single cell of my being bursting with pure, orgasmic, cosmic, INFINITE LOVE, an unconditional feeling of safety. 

It was like floating in a sea of infinite void and “I” could occasionally poke my head above the surface just long enough for a few conceptual ideas to form. From there, “it” could tell “it’s” story. 

And If “it” could tell a story, then “it” could continue to exist. 

The last thing my ego was holding onto...

was "my" death.

At some point, “I” thought,  

“This existence is gone. And if 'I' wake up again, 'I' will be in a new existence. A new body. Waking up in a hospital, given to new parents. How long until 'I' inhabit a new body?"

Infinity turning and folding over infinity into infinity. 

There was no return. 

Deep ancestral energetic processing, no need for words. 

Words can’t compute, there are no words that exist for that experience. 

There was no praying to God...

because “I” was God.

This was it.  

The infinite void.

Now.

Always.

Forever. 

Then a message:

"Now is not your time. 

You have too much left here to accomplish. 

You are going back." 

Upon arriving back to "my" body, the first thing "I" said was:

"I'm here!  I'm alive! And I'm not going anywhere!"

Slipping in and out...

but knowing after that message that I was back.

I trusted it. 

A deep knowing that "we" are here to know ourselves and experience the full spectrum of human emotions. 

There is no self to know otherwise, only pure bliss and love. 

The only reason to leave that void, that pure orgasmic cosmic infinite love, is to learn to know a “self" through experiences, emotions, thoughts. 

Never to be judged as "good" or "bad." 

Emotions are simply expansion and contraction, the Universe utilizing our human bodies to manage energy. 

Emotions don't need our egoic stories.

They simply need to be FELT. 

A deeply embodied gratitude.

A felt sense of safety.

Emotionally and energetically blown OPEN.

And here "I" go again, trying to logically make sense of INFINITY!! 

Ha! 

Words, stories, beliefs all crumble into the sheer absurdity of trying to conceptualize what exists beyond thought. 

The Cosmic Joke! 

A laughter that arises when you recognize the futility of the mind in the face of the INFINITE.

How lucky am I?! 

HOW LUCKY ARE WE TO BE HERE IN THIS EXISTENCE, EXPERIENCING THIS LIFE!?

Everything is consciousness. 

How could it not be? 

This primordial soup is just energy. 

The only thing that makes reality "real" is the mind. 

And yet...

This is all there ever is. 

All there ever was.